Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
