I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
