swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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