cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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