if you like me you must not know who I am
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
