I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
