Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
