Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
