I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
