Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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