The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
