Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
