he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
