i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
