So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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