talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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