what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
