we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
