I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
