Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
