ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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