did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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