Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
