Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
