Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
