Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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