Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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