if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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