You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
