listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize