It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
