i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
