I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
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