For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
