Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
