john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize