Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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