So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
