Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize