Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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