I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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