I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
