Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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