For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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