Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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