watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
