I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize