I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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