Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
