Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
