I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
