Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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