kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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