does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
