Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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