Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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