i would punch a child for taco bell
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
