Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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