I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
